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So if you think you are standing, watch out that you do not fall.  1 Corinthians 10:1  The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self – all your wishes and precautions – to Christ.  But it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead.  For what we are trying to do is to remain what we call “ourselves,” to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be “good.”  We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way – centered on money or pleasure or ambition – and hoping, in spite of this to behave honestly and chastely and humbly.  And that is exactly what Christ warned us you could not do.  As He said, a thistle cannot produce figs.  ~ excerpt taken from A Clean Heart Create In Me, Daily Lenten Reflections from CS Lewis

 This reflection follows two on sin (corporate and individual), sin being anything that separates us from God or inhibits our relationship with Him.  This Lenten season is one of the more difficult ones I have had.  It is My Season of Doubt, facing doubt, thinking I can conquer my doubt.  Doubt is keeping me from feeling closer to Him and doing His work.  As I mentioned previously, at times I doubt my gifts.  I have also doubted my calling.  It was not always this way.  There were long stretches of time when I felt I was in a good, productive place. I felt like I knew where I was going, what I was doing, and why I was doing it.   Perhaps, like it says in 1 Corinthians, I have fallen.  In this misguided sense, I relied too heavily on my own perceptions and strengths.  I trusted entirely too much in myself and forgot Who was in charge.  I believed I was standing on my own two feet.  Now my containments of comfort and security have been poked with holes, their walls breached and destroyed in places.

And despite the uncomfortableness and pain of my doubts, it is a good place to be.  “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testingof your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”  James 1: 2-4.  By accepting the trials as they come and facing them with the faith given me, then the discomfort, pain, and doubt become bearable and bittersweet.

God knows our weaknesses and He will use our weaknesses to His benefit.  During this Season of Doubt, I have to continue in praying, reading Scripture, and believing that He will do what He does best.  No matter how much a mess I may make, He can turn it around.  Now that does not mean that He will release me from any consequences.  But as I continue in my worship and service to Him while I doubt myself, I know that I will come out a better, stronger Christian for having weathered the Season.  With faith, this dry, brown thistle won’t produce figs but it will produce seeds for more beautiful, blooming thistles.